It’s hard to find love when you’re a work in progress


I have a lot to offer someone. I am smart, educated, I have a good job, I have hobbies, friends and a good sense of humor. But I can’t get anyone’s attention on a dating site, and I never seem to romantically attract anyone in real life either. I don’t have any living family yet, and friends and hobbies only fill the gaping hole in my heart. I tried for years to lose weight as a place to start, but my overeating is directly related to my self-esteem issues and my nighttime vacuum and I just don’t have the motivation to do it with them. things as they are.

Please don’t tell me to go to therapy. I’ve been trying for over a year and I’m on a million waiting lists, but no one is taking new patients. I keep thinking that I can’t be the only sad and potential middle aged job… but where can I meet other people like me? I know they are not on dating sites because they also don’t attract attention.


A. I apologize for the lack of therapy opportunities. I am ending a story on this same problem – how empty it can be to recommend therapy when I know most therapists have wait lists of several miles due to COVID-19, the state of the world, etc. I will say that there is are group therapy options. I’ve interviewed a ton of therapists for the story (posted soon, I swear), and some say support group work shouldn’t be overlooked. In addition, your doctor may be able to help you find specialists to treat other problems.

But other than that, let’s think about where and how the current work is progressing. They change hobbies. They’re taking classes. They are playing pickle ball. (I don’t really understand what pickle scoop is, but it has been recommended to me by many people over the past six weeks, and all of these people were 50+ years old.) You’ve got a busy life. right now, but I don’t know how much that exposes you to new things and new people. The scenery changes are good.

Also ask a friend to help you with your app profile. Maybe you need to change your photos. Sometimes the app experience is better with a support system.

I wish you didn’t feel a “gaping hole in your heart” because of your celibacy. The good romantic relationship could to be beautiful, but that’s not all. Maybe there is a long term project that can grab your attention and give you some real accomplishments to look forward to. It would definitely give you a lot to talk about if you ended up on a date.



You have to appeal to motivation to lose weight and be healthy, but not to attract a partner. You have to do these things for yourself to make yourself feel better. Once you feel better, it will be easier to attract the kind of person you want.


I know too well the nocturnal void myself. So don’t just sit around feeling empty at night. Go to bed early! Then get up early in the morning and go for a walk before work.


Adopt a dog. Then take it for walks and dog parks. You are going to exercise and fill that gaping hole in your heart. And you can start talking to people at the dog parks. There are a lot of little things you can do to improve your self-image. And all of these little things will start to add up.


^ That’s a great idea! I lived in my neighborhood for several years without knowing most of the other people who live there, but then I had a dog and by walking it I now know almost everyone.


Work on what you can. Fill that gaping hole with education, volunteering, activity, creativity. Therapy is not the only way to improve work in progress.


Hi! I also have a friend who has hair problems, a wife. I believe she has a partial wig to help her – it looks natural and really good. This is something you can do that doesn’t require a diet, etc., and might help you feel better. I think if you have good self-esteem or at least better self-esteem, the rest will follow. Maybe this motivates you to do other things? I’ve also seen someone say to go for a walk not to lose weight but even just to feel better – it works. Just take a 30 minute walk, or more if you’re up to it, take a look at your surroundings – it can turn things around a bit. Good luck!


Go see a doctor, not a therapist. You may need to have a hormonal imbalance test. Also check your thyroid.


No dating advice, except meeting someone will be through activities, not dating services. Aim to meet new people, in addition to meeting a partner. Not so easy in these times of pandemic. You have no control over being a partner, but you have control over * how you live your life *. It is crucial to take a step back from the “crisis” aspect. [Deep feelings of hopelessness/anxiety will only chase potential partners away.]


We are all in the works, madam. OK, to be fair, some of us have made more progress than others. But I can assure you that at least half of us, the confident, self-confident people you see around you are bluffing, showing courage, and trying to make it through another day.


Send your own questions about relationships and dating to [email protected]. Watch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast on or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from

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