The wanderings of modern love | Blogs / Reviews
The world we live in today is about freedom: freedom of speech, freedom to be who we are, freedom of choice. The impact of this ideal of choice on our civilization has been astounding. The average consumer is spoiled for choice between companies and brands vying for attention and patronage and encouraged in their pursuit of perfection in everything.
Say a word against the ideals of freedom and choice and you are an outcast. However, I sometimes wonder if the wave of commodification created by the glut of choice is still a good thing?
I started to think about it while chatting with a dear friend. Successful, intelligent and witty, he does very well in his life. However, he feels lonely, to the point that he calls me every time he gets drunk to tell me about his latest love affair. These calls are now weekly and with each call I see that the subject of her affection and grief has changed.
“She was such a wonderful person, but our schedules didn’t match.”
“We had so much in common, but our political views were completely different. “
“I thought I found this one this time, but she told me I was too cold.”
After each of these conversations, he dives back into the latest trending dating app to continue his pursuit of perfection. Ironically, while each of these heartbreaks shakes his faith in hers forever, they also make him more determined to move forward.
Ironically, because almost everyone does their best in the early days of the relationship, he and others like him find themselves in a position where their list of what they want and don’t want in their partner continues. to lie down, thanks to their growing list of experiences so far, where his expectations of his potential mate are so vast that I honestly and regretfully doubt anyone’s ability to achieve them.
I tried to point it out nicely to him once: “Life isn’t like legos, you don’t just find someone who matches you. You must be prepared to work with them to shape each other, while still giving each other the time and space to grow and evolve on your own. There will be challenges and even fights, but you have to be prepared to overcome them. “
“But it’s difficult, what if the person you’re spending all your time and effort on isn’t the right one?” There are so many options available on these apps, why not spend this time finding someone who is the best match for me? “
In short, modern dating apps are like the lottery or a get-rich-quick scheme. You may be lucky, but unless you are willing to put some effort into strengthening your connection, putting the other person first, and working with them to get to a point where you both add value. value to the life of the other, you are only setting yourself up disappointment after disappointment.
And unlike the lottery, the costs here may very well be higher: not just your time, but also your emotional capacity and mental well-being, like like Sisyphus’s work in the underworld, we shop around. and jump from person to person in an unsuccessful way. search for true love on dating apps.
I remember a line from Anurag Mathur’s delightful book “The Inscrutable Americans”, where a naive Indian student on his first trip to the United States is advised by his much more experienced American friend after his first grief to “pick up. the pieces and move on. , don’t do it too often!
Of course, dating apps have a lot to recommend too. They are an easy way to find love and have the opportunity to connect with diverse people. However, the way they trivialized one of the strongest and most vital human emotions brought us to a point where we wouldn’t recognize love if it looked us in the face. Our generation is much more likely to jump back at the first sign of trouble, instead of putting effort into making things work with who we are with.
This is not a call to stay in toxic or unhealthy relationships, but simply to recognize that relationships are like seeds, they must be nurtured and require effort, time and care to grow, a fact that is being lost. more and more in a world of super-likes and temporary lashes and crazes that end in a moment of anger. And in a world where everyone is rigid, where everyone thinks they’re right, and where everyone wants to win, victory can often come at the cost of that true love that all poems and stories talk about.
I leave you with an excerpt from a poem by Frank Mandarano:
“The trials are not easy and you feel there is no hope.
“There are times when you feel like you’re at your end of the line,
“But you have to get down to the depths of your heart.
“Let him stop your desperation and give it a fresh start.
“Because true love for each other is a gift some never get,
“So when this trial comes up, never forget
“That there is a rare thing that we share that had to come from above,
“And these trials will end; what got you through was pure love.
But hey, what do I know? I am a loser too!
(The author is an entrepreneur, author and tech journalist. Currently working as a corporate marketer and consultant to various Fortune 500 companies, he also writes about the challenges of growing up in the 90s in India and as a millennial, keeping pace with the changes Sweeping our way of life A well known name in technology circles, he frequently contributes to other leading publications like TechInAsia, VentureBeat, Business Standard, Financial Express and more. The opinions expressed here are solely those of the author.)